More than a few things have been weighing me down lately. Even as we were celebrating Mother's Day I felt like a fraud. It seems that I was a better mom in the past, better at everything before I starting spending 38 hours a week in an office with enough artificial light to rival an operating theater. I clean on Saturday afternoons and by Sunday my house is dirty again (it's not just Carsen and Gus, I take full responsibility for my share of mess). I can't get past the first chapter of the book for book club in the month we were allotted to read it. I wake up with a start in the middle of the night, wondering if I mailed that payment or shoved it in my bag on my way out of the house. I'll weed the flowerbeds, go back a couple of weeks later and find four foot four-o-clocks growing jauntily in the bed where I thought I had finally cleared them out. Sometimes it feels like I'm spitting in the wind.
I had a conversation with a lovely friend today who mentioned reading an article that suggested writing down ten things you are grateful for and then going back later and reading it. I told her I used to do that. When I first read Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance, I adopted her habit of keeping a Gratitude Journal. Some days it was difficult to find the 5 things I was grateful for everyday, but in the end I always came up with more than 5. When the kids were crazy and ugly and money was tight, I was grateful for electricity and a warm house and for the knowledge that I would still love my children the next day, even if they didn't deserve it that very moment.
So I try to remind myself of that feeling (and I WILL dig out my Gratitude Journal this evening) and find the things I am grateful for. Ten years ago I wouldn't have let my kids eat on the sofa in front of the television. Now I know that even though we are eating on the sofa, we are eating together and that is a good thing. Ten years ago I wanted more time with my parents, now I get to visit with them everyday, and my life is SO much better for it. I have less free time now, so I must learn the art of discernment. Working in an office teaches me patience and humility. And I mean, come on, we all know cleanliness is overrated. (If this is a false statement, whatever you do, please don't tell me.)
So why the octopus? I first drew that lady on a Friday evening after a really tough week. To me it means not only do I not have enough hands to get everything done that needs doing, I'm much too tired to even try. I must confess, I am not Super-woman. We were promised we could have it all, and maybe some can, but I'm finally ready to acknowledge that I can't. And that's ok. I guess. But hey, at least when I call my daughter her ring tone for me is the theme song from the 70's series Wonder Woman. When I'm near her I'll call her phone several times just to hear it. For a moment or two I can pretend I really am a Wonder Woman. That'll do for now.
